Move on?

The following events  happened last wednesday at the house of a friend:

Me: I'm envious of the (insert name of group of friends here). They're complete and they get to hang out during school breaks
Friend: Well, those people are stuck on their high school life
Me: how so?
Friend: I mean, they don't want to get over their high school lives that is why they hang out whenever they can. But people have to move on, which do you prefer high school or college?
Me: College...
Friend: See what I mean, people have to grow up and move on with their lives. The people you meet in college are better than the people in high school, if you keep on hanging out with your friends in high school you are putting up a wall for your self.

end of scene


When my friend said this, I couldn't react at first. I was just complaining about the fact that our barkada has never had a bonding moment where we were complete. By the way she explained herself, it almost meant that she doesn't see us as people worth hanging out with anymore. I just can't believe it, or maybe that was just how I interpreted what she said. But come on, just because your college life is better than your high school life doesn't mean that you should move on with your life and stop hanging out with us your FRIENDS.

Whether they were your friends in high school or in college, they are still your friends right? Wouldn't you want to see them after a long time?

Grades are out :)

Well the grades are out and the verdict is in... 
I didn't make the list (Dean's List) this time :(

I know it sounds conceited for me to be this disappointed just because I didn't make it to the dean's list, but I just can't help it. When I first entered college I never pushed myself to be in this list but when I saw my name reach that list, at first I felt proud but didn't make it my standard. But as my name kept being on that list, I ended up making it my standard. And now here I am, disappointed that I didn't reach the list by just a measly 0.007 points. If that was gone, I would've still made the list flat-out. 

Well, I could never really get my feelings about this out to my classmates because they would say stuff like "well at least you passed", "so? i almost didn't make it to the class" and "you're worrying about that?". I know, I know, I know, I shouldn't be worrying about it. True, at least I passed the semester without a failure. At least, the grades that I got are good enough for any student. Maybe, the fact that I put myself up to this pedestal, created my downfall as well. 

What am I saying? This is not considered a downfall. A downfall is when you failed a subject and you got delayed in your course. This is just a sign telling me to keep my feet on the ground. This doesn't mean that I should stop myself from striving hard to reach the list next semester. This is just on of the minor blocks along the way. People did say that it is not the grades that makes a person a professional at his/her work but it is the determination, perseverance and hardwork that is put into everything that is done. 

Well, Am I?

"Tapos ka na mag -aral, REALLY? kasi ako I was up all night studying also but I wasn't able to finish so I really thought I needed this suspension. PERO HIYANG HIYANG HIYA NAMAN AKO SA INYO na tapos na mag - aral at inis na inis dahil nag - suspend. SORRY sa naka - dorm. SORRY sa mga may super duper taas na mental capability. AT SORRY NAMAN SA GRADES NIYO, if you only knew the stories circulating about you guys. MATAAS GRADE NIYO, PANO NIYO NAKUHA YAN?! YEAH IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO THINK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. :|"

I just read this from my news feed, this was from a blockmate of mine. I don't know if I should be affected by this statement or not. 

Here are the reasons why I should be affected:
1. I finished reviewing for our practicals last night
2. I was one of the people who got disappointed that classes got suspended the next day
3. I stay in the dorm
4. My grades are pretty okay in the particular subject

Here are the reasons why I should not be affected:
1. I know I deserve those grades
2. I think I know the other people he/she may be pertaining to

But here is the main reason why I am confused:
1. Are there other people who think that I'm like that

This is why I don't like showing my grades to anyone or letting other people know my standing in school. I get conscious about it. Sorry, if I come out like that to you guys, but that is how I am. At least, I am willing to help you guys when you're confused about certain terms and definitions. Why can't I just be me? 

I guess this is one of the things that makes me go to the sidelines and just watch people. I know it sounds sad but hey, it works. Nobody gets to sass me and stuff.

Am I thinking too much? :/

It's not being selfish

hey there. 

I think I've calmed down enough to push the thoughts deep down, and I mean really deep. I know it's wrong to be like this, avoiding situations and just letting things be. But I've been living that way. So right now, I believe that everything will be alright sooner or later. I just have to focus on my studies first and all my other activities. I can distract myself for as long as I want and I don't care, because if I start to I'll just end up confused and too distracted to learn and live my life.

This all sounds selfish and whatnot, but come on! I have had enough of all this. Giving way to other people, thinking and worry of other people, helping with problems and concerns of other people. When will I get to think of my own for once. My own well-being, my own happiness, my own life!

I know that people have noticed how I would always move people ahead of me and one of them told me "You should stop this, it's not good for you anymore". To think the person who told me this is someone whom I have been hanging out with for 3 years while my other and older friends haven't thought of noticing how I really am. Maybe they have gotten used to it or they just didn't notice at all because I'm just in the sidelines for them.

Here's a thought, why do our newer friends realize how one's personality is earlier than our older friends? :/ 

It's nothing, right?

After a day filled with mind numbing facts about how our body works to produce the words that we say and learning about things that are important for the future ahead, I am left alone with my thoughts.

That may have been the scariest moment of my life, being alone with these thoughts. 
What thoughts in particular? 
DISAPPOINTED. FALSE HOPES. LOST DREAMS. 

Over the weekend, my eyes was open to the reality, the reality of the relationship between my parents. I thought it was great, that nothing was wrong. Sure, they had their occasional arguments and misunderstandings, what kind of couple of 20 years would be if they didn't right? My mom told me about what has been happening between them, especially now that we, their children, are all in another island studying for our future. I won't go into specifics but when I heard those things, I didn't know how to react but  my tears were flowing nonstop. After that moment, I just slept it off. It wasn't sinking in yet. 

When I went out to dinner with my family and was left with my mom and dad in the room, it felt very awkward for me in the inside but I didn't let it show. Being all smiles and laughs, but deep inside, the words that my mom told me were sinking in deep. I didn't know what to do. Finally, when I had to leave for the dormitory, I got up hugged my dad (which was very hard for me) and went to my mom, who got a taxi for me, and hugged her too. 

Now that it has sunk really deep, I am alone with my thoughts and I have nothing else to do. I start to think of it all. I couldn't believe that my dad was like that. I looked up to him, praised him, idolized him my whole life and now I hear these things from my mom. My mom! How could I not trust what she said, when I knew in my heart that I was a witness to these happenings and I just let them be, because I saw my dad in a different light during those times. I saw him as a daughter, who was in awe with the things that he can do, who was happy that I got to spend a lot of time with him, who was a shadow to him. But now, I see him as a person who has been aware of the events that have been happening, who realizes the moments where he too showed a side unlike a father, who now doesn't want to be his shadow.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL. 

I'm not even sure of myself with the whole story that I know. All I know right now, is that I have to do something. Something that may help the family and myself. I need to step up and be there for my family. I don't want to end up in a broken family (I hope not), but I must be ready for whatever happens. 

I MAY NOT KNOW WHAT TO FEEL IN THIS SITUATION BUT I KNOW I MUST KEEP MYSELF STRONG FOR MYSELF AND MY FAMILY.