Here's the thing...

I don't care if people who are involved in this issue will read this or not.
Well, I don't even think they can, since I didn't post a link of this blog somewhere they are rampantly frequenting.

This picture...

It haunts me every time anyone posts similar pictures to this. And then they caption it with "38 till 2015". Ha! That caption makes me wanna puke and sneer at them. Try to count how many people are in this picture. Well, if you don't even wanna try cause I'll just say it in a while, it's 35. There are exactly 35 people in this f**ing picture. 

Let me tell you the story behind this picture. Well, that was the day where our class was supposed to have our class picture, as you can well see. We were designated to be at the venue by 12nn. As we were dismissed 30 minutes before 12, me and my friends thought of buying lunch first expecting that someone would text us when the class picture taking would begin. After we bought our food, we were wondering why no one has sent us a text yet, so we figured lets just go to venue maybe they're there already. To our surprise, we arrived at the venue just in time for their LAST PICTURE.

WOW! and I must repeat that WOW. Talk about friendship or camaraderie. We've been classmates for 4 years and not even once did they think that they were incomplete. Hell! not even the class president thought any different. They just went along taking more than 10 pictures of themselves and didn't even bother. Well why would they bother right? It's not like we're part of any of their barkadas or groups. It's not like they care about anyone but themselves. It's not like it's common sense to double-check if everyone is there and sending out a text to tell everyone that its time to take the class picture. I guess they just assumed everyone is complete when they came to the venue.

Well, let me tell you this. When me and my friends arrived to the venue, I felt hurt and disappointed. But I suddenly thought, "Who am I to them? If that's the case then let them have their fun". My  friend didn't realize that me and my other friend suddenly stopped and started walking away. As she approached the group, they were shocked and dumbfounded but not the least bit guilty. They were actually sort of pissed that they had to take pictures again and because they were hungry as it was past lunch time already. Halfway in walking away, we were suddenly called back as to take the pictures again. Deep inside I didn't want to go back to them. As you can see in the picture below, there's an opposite of smiling face there. That's me and I just couldn't hide how I felt.

After this day, they started posting the pictures they took with their phones on facebook and I was hurt. They were all saying "38 to 2015", "first ever complete class picture" and etc. Because of that moment, I felt insecure and small. I mean maybe some of you guys might think, why the hell is she thinking that way so dramatic. But I just felt hurt and insignificant. I thought that we were all friends but it just turned out to be only on the surface. I guess for the sake of the fact that we will be working with each other till we graduate.

If you were in my shoes, wouldn't you be hurt as well?? :/

It's a very subjective world

I just came from presenting an evaluation report with my group mates. We we're absolutely grilled by everyone, by that I mean our block mates and both of our professors. We did all that we can to present a 
very thorough report and each of us was designated to a task or area of evaluation to write on. 

We were told by Maam J, that we should do this and that with our reports and that we should be considerate enough of the people who could be reading it that are not equipped with the SLP jargons. So that's what we initially did. 

But what made everything we were planning on doing go down the drains, was the results of the tests of our case. We expected to receive very thorough results of the case per area. But what we were given is limited information and to make matters worse, when we came to question the results to our professor, she didn't even bat an eyelid at us. I mean seriously, we were asking such a pertinent and serious question regarding our case and she doesn't even give us an answer. 

I know you're confused know to what I'm saying. Let me back track a bit. At the start of the semester, the class was divided into 5 groups and each was given a hypothetical case with different conditions or diagnosis. At the end of the semester, we are given a chance to present our evaluation report complete with results that were given to us by our professor during our meetings. Weeks before the presentation, we were dumbfounded by the results given to us. They weren't even complete at all. Plus there was a certain result that was supposed to be found in this area but it was placed into another area in the results.

During case presentations, there are meetings where in we would only have Maam J as our professor, some times it would be Maam G. But just our luck, both professors were present during our case presentation. And let me tell you, these two professors are very conflicting in terms of perspectives on how to do what. 

The whole time we valued the input given to us by Maam G and we learned new ways to write the evaluation report which I felt we wouldn't have learned from Maam J. Maam G grilled every aspect of the report and it was all the parts wherein Maam J, edited or pointed out in the previous case presentations. 

Sure it was fantastic to see Maam J be corrected in front of everyone and for here to admit her mistakes. Although it wasn't done in front of us, we knew that she too was being grilled by the information that she passed on to us. 

An evaluation report is created relative to the understanding and order of importance deemed worthy by the clinician. How could you create a cohesive report in the first place if you are 8 in a group and you have 2 professors with conflicting beliefs on how it should be written? I know we shouldn't copy whatever is being told to us to put into the evaluation report. But we are still students. Trying to get the feel of how to write a report. So many views on one thing that even our basis of why we evaluate that part is being corrupted by the words of different professors and how they create one. 

With this experience, I believe I am not ready for internship and I am not looking forward to having Maam J as my Clinical Supervisor. But as I think about it, there more atrocious professors compared to her. T.T 

I'm back with more questions

Wow! It's been a year since I last posted here. Well I guess it's because I don't have anything to rant about, that I haven't told other people or it just never crossed my mind that I had this site to rant to.

Well now...

What to say?

*croo* *croo*

Aha! Now I know why I opened this site again ^_^

I am a lost lamb. No, not the kind like in the bible that is lost but was found by the shepherd at stuff. I meant I don't know where to go, I don't know why I'm taking this course, I don't know what to do with my life, I don't know how I could survive this, I don't know if I could back out of it now after 4 years.

O.O That's a lot of I don't know's right?

It's just ever since I started my 4th year in this course, I feel that I'm losing my purpose. Why am I here anyway? - Because my dad thought this was a fulfilling course. Why did I even take this course? - Because I thought it would make me realize what I really am going to do with my life. How come I'm only thinking of this now? - Because I never thought about it before.

Aside from all this questions, there is still that ONE MAJOR QUESTION that keeps bothering me.

WHO AM I, REALLY??

First post of the year 2013 and it's full of unanswered questions. I know that to whoever is reading this awfully indecisive post, would think "well why don't you do some soul-searching or something?". Don't you think I've tried that already? I mean I've been feeling things that I felt were already resolved when I ended highschool but it just keeps coming back at me.