hey there.
I think I've calmed down enough to push the thoughts deep down, and I mean really deep. I know it's wrong to be like this, avoiding situations and just letting things be. But I've been living that way. So right now, I believe that everything will be alright sooner or later. I just have to focus on my studies first and all my other activities. I can distract myself for as long as I want and I don't care, because if I start to I'll just end up confused and too distracted to learn and live my life.
This all sounds selfish and whatnot, but come on! I have had enough of all this. Giving way to other people, thinking and worry of other people, helping with problems and concerns of other people. When will I get to think of my own for once. My own well-being, my own happiness, my own life!
I know that people have noticed how I would always move people ahead of me and one of them told me "You should stop this, it's not good for you anymore". To think the person who told me this is someone whom I have been hanging out with for 3 years while my other and older friends haven't thought of noticing how I really am. Maybe they have gotten used to it or they just didn't notice at all because I'm just in the sidelines for them.
Here's a thought, why do our newer friends realize how one's personality is earlier than our older friends? :/
After a day filled with mind numbing facts about how our body works to produce the words that we say and learning about things that are important for the future ahead, I am left alone with my thoughts.
That may have been the scariest moment of my life, being alone with these thoughts.
What thoughts in particular?
DISAPPOINTED. FALSE HOPES. LOST DREAMS.
Over the weekend, my eyes was open to the reality, the reality of the relationship between my parents. I thought it was great, that nothing was wrong. Sure, they had their occasional arguments and misunderstandings, what kind of couple of 20 years would be if they didn't right? My mom told me about what has been happening between them, especially now that we, their children, are all in another island studying for our future. I won't go into specifics but when I heard those things, I didn't know how to react but my tears were flowing nonstop. After that moment, I just slept it off. It wasn't sinking in yet.
When I went out to dinner with my family and was left with my mom and dad in the room, it felt very awkward for me in the inside but I didn't let it show. Being all smiles and laughs, but deep inside, the words that my mom told me were sinking in deep. I didn't know what to do. Finally, when I had to leave for the dormitory, I got up hugged my dad (which was very hard for me) and went to my mom, who got a taxi for me, and hugged her too.
Now that it has sunk really deep, I am alone with my thoughts and I have nothing else to do. I start to think of it all. I couldn't believe that my dad was like that. I looked up to him, praised him, idolized him my whole life and now I hear these things from my mom. My mom! How could I not trust what she said, when I knew in my heart that I was a witness to these happenings and I just let them be, because I saw my dad in a different light during those times. I saw him as a daughter, who was in awe with the things that he can do, who was happy that I got to spend a lot of time with him, who was a shadow to him. But now, I see him as a person who has been aware of the events that have been happening, who realizes the moments where he too showed a side unlike a father, who now doesn't want to be his shadow.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL.
I'm not even sure of myself with the whole story that I know. All I know right now, is that I have to do something. Something that may help the family and myself. I need to step up and be there for my family. I don't want to end up in a broken family (I hope not), but I must be ready for whatever happens.
I MAY NOT KNOW WHAT TO FEEL IN THIS SITUATION BUT I KNOW I MUST KEEP MYSELF STRONG FOR MYSELF AND MY FAMILY.
