Here's the thing...

I don't care if people who are involved in this issue will read this or not.
Well, I don't even think they can, since I didn't post a link of this blog somewhere they are rampantly frequenting.

This picture...

It haunts me every time anyone posts similar pictures to this. And then they caption it with "38 till 2015". Ha! That caption makes me wanna puke and sneer at them. Try to count how many people are in this picture. Well, if you don't even wanna try cause I'll just say it in a while, it's 35. There are exactly 35 people in this f**ing picture. 

Let me tell you the story behind this picture. Well, that was the day where our class was supposed to have our class picture, as you can well see. We were designated to be at the venue by 12nn. As we were dismissed 30 minutes before 12, me and my friends thought of buying lunch first expecting that someone would text us when the class picture taking would begin. After we bought our food, we were wondering why no one has sent us a text yet, so we figured lets just go to venue maybe they're there already. To our surprise, we arrived at the venue just in time for their LAST PICTURE.

WOW! and I must repeat that WOW. Talk about friendship or camaraderie. We've been classmates for 4 years and not even once did they think that they were incomplete. Hell! not even the class president thought any different. They just went along taking more than 10 pictures of themselves and didn't even bother. Well why would they bother right? It's not like we're part of any of their barkadas or groups. It's not like they care about anyone but themselves. It's not like it's common sense to double-check if everyone is there and sending out a text to tell everyone that its time to take the class picture. I guess they just assumed everyone is complete when they came to the venue.

Well, let me tell you this. When me and my friends arrived to the venue, I felt hurt and disappointed. But I suddenly thought, "Who am I to them? If that's the case then let them have their fun". My  friend didn't realize that me and my other friend suddenly stopped and started walking away. As she approached the group, they were shocked and dumbfounded but not the least bit guilty. They were actually sort of pissed that they had to take pictures again and because they were hungry as it was past lunch time already. Halfway in walking away, we were suddenly called back as to take the pictures again. Deep inside I didn't want to go back to them. As you can see in the picture below, there's an opposite of smiling face there. That's me and I just couldn't hide how I felt.

After this day, they started posting the pictures they took with their phones on facebook and I was hurt. They were all saying "38 to 2015", "first ever complete class picture" and etc. Because of that moment, I felt insecure and small. I mean maybe some of you guys might think, why the hell is she thinking that way so dramatic. But I just felt hurt and insignificant. I thought that we were all friends but it just turned out to be only on the surface. I guess for the sake of the fact that we will be working with each other till we graduate.

If you were in my shoes, wouldn't you be hurt as well?? :/

I'm back with more questions

Wow! It's been a year since I last posted here. Well I guess it's because I don't have anything to rant about, that I haven't told other people or it just never crossed my mind that I had this site to rant to.

Well now...

What to say?

*croo* *croo*

Aha! Now I know why I opened this site again ^_^

I am a lost lamb. No, not the kind like in the bible that is lost but was found by the shepherd at stuff. I meant I don't know where to go, I don't know why I'm taking this course, I don't know what to do with my life, I don't know how I could survive this, I don't know if I could back out of it now after 4 years.

O.O That's a lot of I don't know's right?

It's just ever since I started my 4th year in this course, I feel that I'm losing my purpose. Why am I here anyway? - Because my dad thought this was a fulfilling course. Why did I even take this course? - Because I thought it would make me realize what I really am going to do with my life. How come I'm only thinking of this now? - Because I never thought about it before.

Aside from all this questions, there is still that ONE MAJOR QUESTION that keeps bothering me.

WHO AM I, REALLY??

First post of the year 2013 and it's full of unanswered questions. I know that to whoever is reading this awfully indecisive post, would think "well why don't you do some soul-searching or something?". Don't you think I've tried that already? I mean I've been feeling things that I felt were already resolved when I ended highschool but it just keeps coming back at me.

Move on?

The following events  happened last wednesday at the house of a friend:

Me: I'm envious of the (insert name of group of friends here). They're complete and they get to hang out during school breaks
Friend: Well, those people are stuck on their high school life
Me: how so?
Friend: I mean, they don't want to get over their high school lives that is why they hang out whenever they can. But people have to move on, which do you prefer high school or college?
Me: College...
Friend: See what I mean, people have to grow up and move on with their lives. The people you meet in college are better than the people in high school, if you keep on hanging out with your friends in high school you are putting up a wall for your self.

end of scene


When my friend said this, I couldn't react at first. I was just complaining about the fact that our barkada has never had a bonding moment where we were complete. By the way she explained herself, it almost meant that she doesn't see us as people worth hanging out with anymore. I just can't believe it, or maybe that was just how I interpreted what she said. But come on, just because your college life is better than your high school life doesn't mean that you should move on with your life and stop hanging out with us your FRIENDS.

Whether they were your friends in high school or in college, they are still your friends right? Wouldn't you want to see them after a long time?

Well, Am I?

"Tapos ka na mag -aral, REALLY? kasi ako I was up all night studying also but I wasn't able to finish so I really thought I needed this suspension. PERO HIYANG HIYANG HIYA NAMAN AKO SA INYO na tapos na mag - aral at inis na inis dahil nag - suspend. SORRY sa naka - dorm. SORRY sa mga may super duper taas na mental capability. AT SORRY NAMAN SA GRADES NIYO, if you only knew the stories circulating about you guys. MATAAS GRADE NIYO, PANO NIYO NAKUHA YAN?! YEAH IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO THINK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. :|"

I just read this from my news feed, this was from a blockmate of mine. I don't know if I should be affected by this statement or not. 

Here are the reasons why I should be affected:
1. I finished reviewing for our practicals last night
2. I was one of the people who got disappointed that classes got suspended the next day
3. I stay in the dorm
4. My grades are pretty okay in the particular subject

Here are the reasons why I should not be affected:
1. I know I deserve those grades
2. I think I know the other people he/she may be pertaining to

But here is the main reason why I am confused:
1. Are there other people who think that I'm like that

This is why I don't like showing my grades to anyone or letting other people know my standing in school. I get conscious about it. Sorry, if I come out like that to you guys, but that is how I am. At least, I am willing to help you guys when you're confused about certain terms and definitions. Why can't I just be me? 

I guess this is one of the things that makes me go to the sidelines and just watch people. I know it sounds sad but hey, it works. Nobody gets to sass me and stuff.

Am I thinking too much? :/

It's nothing, right?

After a day filled with mind numbing facts about how our body works to produce the words that we say and learning about things that are important for the future ahead, I am left alone with my thoughts.

That may have been the scariest moment of my life, being alone with these thoughts. 
What thoughts in particular? 
DISAPPOINTED. FALSE HOPES. LOST DREAMS. 

Over the weekend, my eyes was open to the reality, the reality of the relationship between my parents. I thought it was great, that nothing was wrong. Sure, they had their occasional arguments and misunderstandings, what kind of couple of 20 years would be if they didn't right? My mom told me about what has been happening between them, especially now that we, their children, are all in another island studying for our future. I won't go into specifics but when I heard those things, I didn't know how to react but  my tears were flowing nonstop. After that moment, I just slept it off. It wasn't sinking in yet. 

When I went out to dinner with my family and was left with my mom and dad in the room, it felt very awkward for me in the inside but I didn't let it show. Being all smiles and laughs, but deep inside, the words that my mom told me were sinking in deep. I didn't know what to do. Finally, when I had to leave for the dormitory, I got up hugged my dad (which was very hard for me) and went to my mom, who got a taxi for me, and hugged her too. 

Now that it has sunk really deep, I am alone with my thoughts and I have nothing else to do. I start to think of it all. I couldn't believe that my dad was like that. I looked up to him, praised him, idolized him my whole life and now I hear these things from my mom. My mom! How could I not trust what she said, when I knew in my heart that I was a witness to these happenings and I just let them be, because I saw my dad in a different light during those times. I saw him as a daughter, who was in awe with the things that he can do, who was happy that I got to spend a lot of time with him, who was a shadow to him. But now, I see him as a person who has been aware of the events that have been happening, who realizes the moments where he too showed a side unlike a father, who now doesn't want to be his shadow.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL. 

I'm not even sure of myself with the whole story that I know. All I know right now, is that I have to do something. Something that may help the family and myself. I need to step up and be there for my family. I don't want to end up in a broken family (I hope not), but I must be ready for whatever happens. 

I MAY NOT KNOW WHAT TO FEEL IN THIS SITUATION BUT I KNOW I MUST KEEP MYSELF STRONG FOR MYSELF AND MY FAMILY.