Here's the thing...

I don't care if people who are involved in this issue will read this or not.
Well, I don't even think they can, since I didn't post a link of this blog somewhere they are rampantly frequenting.

This picture...

It haunts me every time anyone posts similar pictures to this. And then they caption it with "38 till 2015". Ha! That caption makes me wanna puke and sneer at them. Try to count how many people are in this picture. Well, if you don't even wanna try cause I'll just say it in a while, it's 35. There are exactly 35 people in this f**ing picture. 

Let me tell you the story behind this picture. Well, that was the day where our class was supposed to have our class picture, as you can well see. We were designated to be at the venue by 12nn. As we were dismissed 30 minutes before 12, me and my friends thought of buying lunch first expecting that someone would text us when the class picture taking would begin. After we bought our food, we were wondering why no one has sent us a text yet, so we figured lets just go to venue maybe they're there already. To our surprise, we arrived at the venue just in time for their LAST PICTURE.

WOW! and I must repeat that WOW. Talk about friendship or camaraderie. We've been classmates for 4 years and not even once did they think that they were incomplete. Hell! not even the class president thought any different. They just went along taking more than 10 pictures of themselves and didn't even bother. Well why would they bother right? It's not like we're part of any of their barkadas or groups. It's not like they care about anyone but themselves. It's not like it's common sense to double-check if everyone is there and sending out a text to tell everyone that its time to take the class picture. I guess they just assumed everyone is complete when they came to the venue.

Well, let me tell you this. When me and my friends arrived to the venue, I felt hurt and disappointed. But I suddenly thought, "Who am I to them? If that's the case then let them have their fun". My  friend didn't realize that me and my other friend suddenly stopped and started walking away. As she approached the group, they were shocked and dumbfounded but not the least bit guilty. They were actually sort of pissed that they had to take pictures again and because they were hungry as it was past lunch time already. Halfway in walking away, we were suddenly called back as to take the pictures again. Deep inside I didn't want to go back to them. As you can see in the picture below, there's an opposite of smiling face there. That's me and I just couldn't hide how I felt.

After this day, they started posting the pictures they took with their phones on facebook and I was hurt. They were all saying "38 to 2015", "first ever complete class picture" and etc. Because of that moment, I felt insecure and small. I mean maybe some of you guys might think, why the hell is she thinking that way so dramatic. But I just felt hurt and insignificant. I thought that we were all friends but it just turned out to be only on the surface. I guess for the sake of the fact that we will be working with each other till we graduate.

If you were in my shoes, wouldn't you be hurt as well?? :/

It's a very subjective world

I just came from presenting an evaluation report with my group mates. We we're absolutely grilled by everyone, by that I mean our block mates and both of our professors. We did all that we can to present a 
very thorough report and each of us was designated to a task or area of evaluation to write on. 

We were told by Maam J, that we should do this and that with our reports and that we should be considerate enough of the people who could be reading it that are not equipped with the SLP jargons. So that's what we initially did. 

But what made everything we were planning on doing go down the drains, was the results of the tests of our case. We expected to receive very thorough results of the case per area. But what we were given is limited information and to make matters worse, when we came to question the results to our professor, she didn't even bat an eyelid at us. I mean seriously, we were asking such a pertinent and serious question regarding our case and she doesn't even give us an answer. 

I know you're confused know to what I'm saying. Let me back track a bit. At the start of the semester, the class was divided into 5 groups and each was given a hypothetical case with different conditions or diagnosis. At the end of the semester, we are given a chance to present our evaluation report complete with results that were given to us by our professor during our meetings. Weeks before the presentation, we were dumbfounded by the results given to us. They weren't even complete at all. Plus there was a certain result that was supposed to be found in this area but it was placed into another area in the results.

During case presentations, there are meetings where in we would only have Maam J as our professor, some times it would be Maam G. But just our luck, both professors were present during our case presentation. And let me tell you, these two professors are very conflicting in terms of perspectives on how to do what. 

The whole time we valued the input given to us by Maam G and we learned new ways to write the evaluation report which I felt we wouldn't have learned from Maam J. Maam G grilled every aspect of the report and it was all the parts wherein Maam J, edited or pointed out in the previous case presentations. 

Sure it was fantastic to see Maam J be corrected in front of everyone and for here to admit her mistakes. Although it wasn't done in front of us, we knew that she too was being grilled by the information that she passed on to us. 

An evaluation report is created relative to the understanding and order of importance deemed worthy by the clinician. How could you create a cohesive report in the first place if you are 8 in a group and you have 2 professors with conflicting beliefs on how it should be written? I know we shouldn't copy whatever is being told to us to put into the evaluation report. But we are still students. Trying to get the feel of how to write a report. So many views on one thing that even our basis of why we evaluate that part is being corrupted by the words of different professors and how they create one. 

With this experience, I believe I am not ready for internship and I am not looking forward to having Maam J as my Clinical Supervisor. But as I think about it, there more atrocious professors compared to her. T.T 

I'm back with more questions

Wow! It's been a year since I last posted here. Well I guess it's because I don't have anything to rant about, that I haven't told other people or it just never crossed my mind that I had this site to rant to.

Well now...

What to say?

*croo* *croo*

Aha! Now I know why I opened this site again ^_^

I am a lost lamb. No, not the kind like in the bible that is lost but was found by the shepherd at stuff. I meant I don't know where to go, I don't know why I'm taking this course, I don't know what to do with my life, I don't know how I could survive this, I don't know if I could back out of it now after 4 years.

O.O That's a lot of I don't know's right?

It's just ever since I started my 4th year in this course, I feel that I'm losing my purpose. Why am I here anyway? - Because my dad thought this was a fulfilling course. Why did I even take this course? - Because I thought it would make me realize what I really am going to do with my life. How come I'm only thinking of this now? - Because I never thought about it before.

Aside from all this questions, there is still that ONE MAJOR QUESTION that keeps bothering me.

WHO AM I, REALLY??

First post of the year 2013 and it's full of unanswered questions. I know that to whoever is reading this awfully indecisive post, would think "well why don't you do some soul-searching or something?". Don't you think I've tried that already? I mean I've been feeling things that I felt were already resolved when I ended highschool but it just keeps coming back at me.

Move on?

The following events  happened last wednesday at the house of a friend:

Me: I'm envious of the (insert name of group of friends here). They're complete and they get to hang out during school breaks
Friend: Well, those people are stuck on their high school life
Me: how so?
Friend: I mean, they don't want to get over their high school lives that is why they hang out whenever they can. But people have to move on, which do you prefer high school or college?
Me: College...
Friend: See what I mean, people have to grow up and move on with their lives. The people you meet in college are better than the people in high school, if you keep on hanging out with your friends in high school you are putting up a wall for your self.

end of scene


When my friend said this, I couldn't react at first. I was just complaining about the fact that our barkada has never had a bonding moment where we were complete. By the way she explained herself, it almost meant that she doesn't see us as people worth hanging out with anymore. I just can't believe it, or maybe that was just how I interpreted what she said. But come on, just because your college life is better than your high school life doesn't mean that you should move on with your life and stop hanging out with us your FRIENDS.

Whether they were your friends in high school or in college, they are still your friends right? Wouldn't you want to see them after a long time?

Grades are out :)

Well the grades are out and the verdict is in... 
I didn't make the list (Dean's List) this time :(

I know it sounds conceited for me to be this disappointed just because I didn't make it to the dean's list, but I just can't help it. When I first entered college I never pushed myself to be in this list but when I saw my name reach that list, at first I felt proud but didn't make it my standard. But as my name kept being on that list, I ended up making it my standard. And now here I am, disappointed that I didn't reach the list by just a measly 0.007 points. If that was gone, I would've still made the list flat-out. 

Well, I could never really get my feelings about this out to my classmates because they would say stuff like "well at least you passed", "so? i almost didn't make it to the class" and "you're worrying about that?". I know, I know, I know, I shouldn't be worrying about it. True, at least I passed the semester without a failure. At least, the grades that I got are good enough for any student. Maybe, the fact that I put myself up to this pedestal, created my downfall as well. 

What am I saying? This is not considered a downfall. A downfall is when you failed a subject and you got delayed in your course. This is just a sign telling me to keep my feet on the ground. This doesn't mean that I should stop myself from striving hard to reach the list next semester. This is just on of the minor blocks along the way. People did say that it is not the grades that makes a person a professional at his/her work but it is the determination, perseverance and hardwork that is put into everything that is done. 

Well, Am I?

"Tapos ka na mag -aral, REALLY? kasi ako I was up all night studying also but I wasn't able to finish so I really thought I needed this suspension. PERO HIYANG HIYANG HIYA NAMAN AKO SA INYO na tapos na mag - aral at inis na inis dahil nag - suspend. SORRY sa naka - dorm. SORRY sa mga may super duper taas na mental capability. AT SORRY NAMAN SA GRADES NIYO, if you only knew the stories circulating about you guys. MATAAS GRADE NIYO, PANO NIYO NAKUHA YAN?! YEAH IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO THINK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. :|"

I just read this from my news feed, this was from a blockmate of mine. I don't know if I should be affected by this statement or not. 

Here are the reasons why I should be affected:
1. I finished reviewing for our practicals last night
2. I was one of the people who got disappointed that classes got suspended the next day
3. I stay in the dorm
4. My grades are pretty okay in the particular subject

Here are the reasons why I should not be affected:
1. I know I deserve those grades
2. I think I know the other people he/she may be pertaining to

But here is the main reason why I am confused:
1. Are there other people who think that I'm like that

This is why I don't like showing my grades to anyone or letting other people know my standing in school. I get conscious about it. Sorry, if I come out like that to you guys, but that is how I am. At least, I am willing to help you guys when you're confused about certain terms and definitions. Why can't I just be me? 

I guess this is one of the things that makes me go to the sidelines and just watch people. I know it sounds sad but hey, it works. Nobody gets to sass me and stuff.

Am I thinking too much? :/

It's not being selfish

hey there. 

I think I've calmed down enough to push the thoughts deep down, and I mean really deep. I know it's wrong to be like this, avoiding situations and just letting things be. But I've been living that way. So right now, I believe that everything will be alright sooner or later. I just have to focus on my studies first and all my other activities. I can distract myself for as long as I want and I don't care, because if I start to I'll just end up confused and too distracted to learn and live my life.

This all sounds selfish and whatnot, but come on! I have had enough of all this. Giving way to other people, thinking and worry of other people, helping with problems and concerns of other people. When will I get to think of my own for once. My own well-being, my own happiness, my own life!

I know that people have noticed how I would always move people ahead of me and one of them told me "You should stop this, it's not good for you anymore". To think the person who told me this is someone whom I have been hanging out with for 3 years while my other and older friends haven't thought of noticing how I really am. Maybe they have gotten used to it or they just didn't notice at all because I'm just in the sidelines for them.

Here's a thought, why do our newer friends realize how one's personality is earlier than our older friends? :/